Still month 4. Totally geeked about completing my 6 day juice cleanse (7 lbs down). Cleanse finished on Wednesday. Today is Sunday– and 5 of those 7 pounds are back.
What the royal DUCK (with an F.)
I was talking with a family member tonight about eating 3 rice krispy treats without even noticing and then burst into tears. I was trying to explain how I think there is a food devil that lives in my head that just makes me eat a bunch of junk without my even getting a chance to enjoy and or noticed it! As I was trying to explain, I realized that I was officially off my rocker and just needed to stop talking for a second. After a series of questions, We came to terms with a few things.
My body is SO ready for me to get my shit together; my mind on the other hand?
I have some work to do.
If you follow my snapchat or insta, you’d see that I’m pretty transparent about my food choices and gym routine. When I’m locked in, I’m locked in. You could put 10 rice krispy treats and chocolate chip cookies in front of me; if I’m on a juice cleanse? I’m not touching them! Fascinating to me that I have such unwavering commitment when I’m following some type of strict regiment, but give me freedom? No meal plan? I’m eating allllllll the rice krispies. All of them. In one sitting, and won’t stop to blink.
WHY? Why, God. Why do I feel like a total food addict!!!!
I don’t have that answer. Nor do I really think God has anything to do with my relationship with food. What I did realize today? It’s a control thing.
I like being in control. Relationships. Work. Food. Give me the reigns and I will run with it.
When I’m on a cleanse– there’s control and I’m leading- for myself– with some given guidelines. When I’m at a gym and doing some serious fitness regiment– there’s control and I’m leading for myself– with some guidelines.
When I’m going to the gym occasionally and “trying to lose weight” there are NO controls. Which means I do whatever I want. Which means I typically achieve the exact opposite– less gym time and more free-for-all food time = MORE WEIGHT #ugh.
So what’s the solution? Some would say to stick to strict regiments! They work for me, right! The problem is I end up losing weight to prove a point, not to be healthy. I end up losing weight to win a competition, or to make my trainer look good, or to have some super inspiring story.
The hang up has been this (getting back to my discovery from tonight). I don’t want to lose weight. I don’t want to just watch numbers decrease on the scale. I actually want to be healthy. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I actually want to love my body and not punish it by excessive workouts and obsessing about a quarter cup of carbs being too much.
I actually want to learn how to cook things I actually like to eat.
(Like healthy chicken fingers and french fries—don’t judge me, yes they do exist!!)
Is this possible? Am I so much of a black and white thinker that I keep sabotaging myself? This is all me. I know what to do….so why can’t I do it. What’s changed!?
My mind. 4 months time and my head is spinning. Sure things are settling, but this self-critic would be lying to you all if I said I’ve actually given myself time to process some of the stress I’ve been creating and carrying:
- Roommate search: I have been obsessing over this and completely neglecting that I chose a place I can actually afford. Sure a roommate would be helpful; but the stress I’m putting on myself to find one is just not reasonable. Let it go. There is purpose in all of this.
- Work responsibilities: lately I have worked myself up so much about what I don’t want to do that I haven’t taken a second to just accept some of the things I cannot change. Like the fact that I’m new and everything is different and I work in completely different functional area right now. Let it go. There is a much greater purpose in all of this.
- Making friends: I watched Netflix and Hulu all weekend feeling sorry for myself without even recognizing that I’ve been going non-stop for the past 3 weekends…WITH FRIENDS. A weekend at home was needed. Let it go. You are meeting people at your own pace.
- Missing my dog: I hear my neighbors walking their dogs in the morning, or I’ll have a low moment where Ruby would climb up next to me a snuggle…and she’s not there. I’ve been stressing and feeling guilty about her not being here with me. Let it go. She’s with the two people who arguably love you most in this world– your parents. She is fine. You are fine. You will be reunited…it will be okay.
I’m clearly not typing all of these out for your benefit– but mainly to remind myself that some of this stressing has to stop. Particularly if it’s health I’m looking for. Sure stress is a part of the daily life grind; excessive stress, however, serves no one well—particularly not me and my long term health journey.
Don’t get me wrong. The juice cleanse was everything. My taste buds are rewired, my body feels clear, and I’m getting clear signs of what makes me feel good and what things are triggers (i.e. sugar and caffeine now = an INSTANT headache). Now it’s a matter of taking the time to recognize what my body is telling me, listen, and move forward.
My body is telling me it’s ready to let go of this weight in exchange for health. My body is also telling me that getting my mind right is the first step that I’ve spent a good chunk of weight loss journeys ….skipping.
Not this go-round. I’m not doing this for a trainer. I’m not doing this for the ‘likes’. I’m not doing this for a boyfriend or life partner to think I look stunning in backless Olivia Pope gown rockin’ my natural hair
(although I wouldn’t be opposed) My focus isn’t on weight loss anymore…It’s my dream to be healthy. This time, I’m okay with being the tortoise. I’m done sprinting. If I lose 1 pound this whole year working through all this junk I’ve created in my mind. Well so be it. Lord knows once I can connect back to knowing without a doubt how beautifully unique, and wonderfully-made I am….just as I am right now…despite size and fitness capabilities….
there will be no stopping me.