365 Days in the Bay: Get Your Mind Right

Still month 4. Totally geeked about completing my 6 day juice cleanse (7 lbs down). Cleanse finished on Wednesday. Today is Sunday– and 5 of those 7 pounds are back.

What the royal DUCK (with an F.)

I was talking with a family member tonight about eating 3 rice krispy treats without even noticing and then burst into tears. I was trying to explain how I think there is a food devil that lives in my head that just makes me eat a bunch of junk without my even getting a chance to enjoy and or noticed it! As I was trying to explain, I realized that I was officially off my rocker and just needed to stop talking for a second. After a series of questions, We came to terms with a few things.

My body is SO ready for me to get my shit together; my mind on the other hand?

I have some work to do.

If you follow my snapchat or insta, you’d see that I’m pretty transparent about my food choices and gym routine. When I’m locked in, I’m locked in. You could put 10 rice krispy treats and chocolate chip cookies in front of me; if I’m on a juice cleanse? I’m not touching them! Fascinating to me that I have such unwavering commitment when I’m following some type of strict regiment, but give me freedom? No meal plan? I’m eating allllllll the rice krispies. All of them. In one sitting, and won’t stop to blink.

WHY? Why, God. Why do I feel like a total food addict!!!!

I don’t have that answer. Nor do I really think God has anything to do with my relationship with food. What I did realize today? It’s a control thing.

I like being in control. Relationships. Work. Food. Give me the reigns and I will run with it.

When I’m on a cleanse– there’s control and I’m leading- for myself– with some given guidelines. When I’m at a gym and doing some serious fitness regiment– there’s control and I’m leading for myself– with some guidelines.

When I’m going to the gym occasionally and “trying to lose weight” there are NO controls. Which means I do whatever I want. Which means I typically achieve the exact opposite– less gym time and more free-for-all food time = MORE WEIGHT #ugh.

So what’s the solution? Some would say to stick to strict regiments! They work for me, right! The problem is I end up losing weight to prove a point, not to be healthy. I end up losing weight to win a competition, or to make my trainer look good, or to have some super inspiring story.

The hang up has been this (getting back to my discovery from tonight). I don’t want to lose weight. I don’t want to just watch numbers decrease on the scale. I actually want to be healthy. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I actually want to love my body and not punish it by excessive workouts and obsessing about a quarter cup of carbs being too much.

I actually want to learn how to cook things I actually like to eat. (Like healthy chicken fingers and french fries—don’t judge me, yes they do exist!!)

Is this possible? Am I so much of a black and white thinker that I keep sabotaging myself? This is all me. I know what to do….so why can’t I do it. What’s changed!?

My mind.  4 months time and my head is spinning. Sure things are settling, but this self-critic would be lying to you all if I said I’ve actually given myself time to process some of the stress I’ve been creating and carrying:

  1. Roommate search: I have been obsessing over this and completely neglecting that I chose a place I can actually afford. Sure a roommate would be helpful; but the stress I’m putting on myself to find one is just not reasonable. Let it go. There is purpose in all of this.
  2. Work responsibilities: lately I have worked myself up so much about what I don’t want to do that I haven’t taken a second to just accept some of the things I cannot change. Like the fact that I’m new and everything is different and I work in completely different functional area right now. Let it go. There is a much greater purpose in all of this.
  3. Making friends: I watched Netflix and Hulu all weekend feeling sorry for myself without even recognizing that I’ve been going non-stop for the past 3 weekends…WITH FRIENDS. A weekend at home was needed. Let it go. You are meeting people at your own pace.
  4. Missing my dog: I hear my neighbors walking their dogs in the morning, or I’ll have a low moment where Ruby would climb up next to me a snuggle…and she’s not there. I’ve been stressing and feeling guilty about her not being here with me. Let it go. She’s with the two people who arguably love you most in this world– your parents. She is fine. You are fine. You will be reunited…it will be okay.

I’m clearly not typing all of these out for your benefit– but mainly to remind myself that some of this stressing has to stop. Particularly if it’s health I’m looking for. Sure stress is a part of the daily life grind; excessive stress, however, serves no one well—particularly not me and my long term health journey.

Don’t get me wrong. The juice cleanse was everything. My taste buds are rewired, my body feels clear, and I’m getting clear signs of what makes me feel good and what things are triggers (i.e. sugar and caffeine now = an INSTANT headache). Now it’s a matter of taking the time to recognize what my body is telling me, listen, and move forward.

My body is telling me it’s ready to let go of this weight in exchange for health. My body is also telling me that getting my mind right is the first step that I’ve spent a good chunk of weight loss journeys ….skipping.

Not this go-round. I’m not doing this for a trainer. I’m not doing this for the ‘likes’. I’m not doing this for a boyfriend or life partner to think I look stunning in backless Olivia Pope gown rockin’ my natural hair (although I wouldn’t be opposed) My focus isn’t on weight loss anymore…It’s my dream to be healthy. This time, I’m okay with being the tortoise. I’m done sprinting. If I lose 1 pound this whole year working through all this junk I’ve created in my mind. Well so be it. Lord knows once I can connect back to knowing without a doubt how beautifully unique, and wonderfully-made I am….just as I am right now…despite size and fitness capabilities….

there will be no stopping me.

#hydration.nutrition.fit.sound.

mind right

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365 Days in the Bay: 4 Months in and a Juice Cleanse

I knew I was ambitious with thinking I’d be writing everyday, so then I switched to every week…and then every month…and then well, yeah. Here I am 🙂 lol

What a whirlwind. You all were reading first hand the initial transition woes. The emotional roller coaster days and the unbelievable amount of self-doubt in my ability to call California home.But by GOD alone.  A LOT has happened in 4 months.

-I moved to my own place.($$$$$ Send me a roommate immediately, Brian you movin’!?)

-Went on my first road trip to Santa Cruz (Hello weekend getaways just because!)

-Hosted my first visitors: My big sister and my nephew– doing SF tourist highlights (got punched in the nose by a 2-year-old and it really hurt!!!)

-Went on Yacht Day Party with allll the trap music (YAAASS!)

-Entertained the idea of dating (then realized I was too overwhelmed and introspective at the moment to give energy to anyone else)

-Re-downloaded SnapChat in an effort to recapture some of my adventures (mainly because I spent most of the time on the Yacht party trying to remember my snap password to capture the ultimate turn up…and I failed! #damnyouvodkatonics)

-Walked the full Lake Merritt perimeter with some friends (without peeing my pants, yes I have bladder control issues– leave me alone)

-Refurbished a dresser someone was tossing in the midst of their own move (and tricked a friend into helping me carry it in to my place 🙂 )

-Started (and hopefully completing ) a 6 day juice cleanse.

Sure there are many other highlights of these past four months (i.e. my parking ticket record) but these are just some of the things that remind me of how far I’ve come. The tears have slowed, the fighting has ceased, and the growing continues.

The juice cleanse being the most recent of activities (currently on Day 4), coming out of a need for a reboot or hard reset. A fresh start. I’ve been so quickly moving through this transition that I hadn’t looked up in a while. I looked in the mirror a few days ago (4 to be exact!) and couldn’t even recognize the person staring back at me. In all the good and hard ways, I’ve been changing and haven’t taken a second to look myself in the eyes.

My hair is short and I get a line up at barber shop in Palo Alto where I’m the only black female ever present. I keep a line up…when did that happen?!

I have braces and my teeth are actually straight now– like I think it’s time to take these things off!! I hadn’t even noticed that these brackets have been doing their job amidst all the random food pieces I continuously am picking out of them.

I look JUST LIKE MY MOTHER. I mean it’s creepy guys. I looked up one day and I scared myself. I am no longer this little awkward rolly-polly 10 year old. Although I feel that way, my body has matured in ways that remind me that I am a full blown adult.

All of this has happened, or maybe has been happening and I just haven’t noticed. I’ve been so busy being soooo hard on myself that I lost track of everything I am doing right.

I am an aunt to 3 nephews and 2 nieces. People were telling me happy mother’s day and I couldn’t wrap my head around why! My sister is a new comforting presence in my life…2 years ago she and I barely knew each other…let alone spoke to one another…and yet she was the first member of my family to come out to see me. She and my nephew…

So much has changed in 4 months.

He and I closed our chapter.

So much has changed in 4 months.

A new chapter in my life. I find that I’m still writing, just not here. I’m writing my first book about transparency and vulnerability…and weight– how they all interact and can completely muck up self-love and self-esteem.

I’m brainstorming how to get my business off the ground and gambling with what it means to be your own boss. It’s sounds cool right, but by God- it’s a ton of work.

I’m drinking 6 juices a day– starting and finishing with a thicker dates/almonds based pressed juice with Chlorophyll and Aloe Vera Water and other green juices throughout the day. As I fight through what I thought were hunger pains, I realized that my brain was trying to calculate why I was no longer stuffing my body endlessly just to feel…

This juice cleanse has removed food as a distraction and really opened me up to what keeps me up at night…what I’ve been hiding from, and what I want most out of this life.

It’s also reminded me to do things that I love and learn to appreciate food in ways I had forgotten. This cleanse has given me time to pick up some of the books I have beautifully placed as decor and read them. This cleanse has helped me look in the mirror everyday with a little grace and little damn girl #hairflip all at the same time. This cleanse has reminded me of the importance of sleep, and nutrients, and metabolism pacing, and what it means to love myself RIGHT NOW… not just the “already healthy me” but rather the “I’m working on it” me.

hydration.nutrition.fit.sound.

I feel God_s presence as assurance, comfort, and love.