365 Days in The Bay: Week 2-Decision.

End of Week 2. Midway through week 3. Completely over-stimulated about the number of decisions I’ve been considering within such a short amount of time. I miss my dog. So I decided to dog-sit. I needed to eat healthier. So I decided to go to the Farmer’s Market. I needed to get out of the ‘house’. So I decided to drive to Mountain View for a movie.

Those being some of the simple decisions I made; that weren’t quite as simple when you (I) don’t know where anything is. ha!  I’ve found myself in this interesting space of talking about Maslow a lot lately. I am experiencing, so clearly, the need for basics needs being met.

The work environment is charged with my needing to make the decision of how I work best. Or quite possibly– me making the intentional decision to articulate how I work best. My past few jobs have shown me the importance of teaching people how to work best with you, or rather how to mange up. I’ve finally given up on trying to mold myself into someone else style; I know only myself and I’m going to go with what I know best. All to say– 2.5 weeks in and I am deciding to set my own pace {despite the fire-hose full of work I’ve been drinking}.

This past week has been full of lots of tears. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t second-guessed myself. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that by day 3, I was wondering if I made the right…decision. It’s hard to know, right? We live in a world where we (I) are often chasing the next best opportunity. I live in a space between my own two ears that strives for purpose and value driven work. By Day 3 I was so viciously searching for meaning and clarity that I had made the right choice, meanwhile I was being placed in a space of deciding and actualizing all the moving parts of my new role.

“Can you do this? I mean truly, Cierra, can you do this? Are you going to make the decision to commit to all the discomfort, all the sleepless nights, all the tear, all the feels that come with change and transition? Are you going to embrace everything you are experiencing as a part of your journey…your story? Are you going to remember how your best friend helped you prepare for this moment? He said to you, ‘Only you know how change impacts you, and only you can prepare yourself for how you can be successful amidst so much change.’– Are you going to embrace any of that?

Are you going to apartment search? How many roommates can you live with? What can you afford? What are you giving up based on affordability? What do you value most? Do you want to drive to work? bus? train? Do you even know how to use public transportation? Is your privilege showing? Are you being a wimp? Are you thinking too much? YES!!! Okay you are thinking too much, how do you just be? but wait…that requires thought too!?”

Ongoing decisions and ongoing questions. Things that have challenged me to get to know myself on a much deeper level. Forcing me to gain an understanding of what I am afraid of– what I need in order to be successful, and what am I ready to embrace as a growing space. I cannot do it all at once. I just cannot and I am going to stop asking myself to. I am going to stop expecting that by 2.5 weeks in, I should have it all figured out. I am also going to rename failures. Haven’t come up with what that’s going to be yet, but that word must leave my vernacular…asap.

I spend a lot of my down time on the phone. Talking to friends I haven’t connected with in a while. Family members encouraging me to stay prayerful and empowered. I still hear the sting of distance so clearly in my parents voices…little do they know that nearly every time I hang up the phone— I cry.

Big tears. Big weeping ugly snot bubble tears. Tears that are connected to how much I love them– how much family means to me– and how hard it is…it was… to decide to be this far from them. All of them. Life is tough and I recognize how fortunate I am to be the product of two people I love so much it hurts. Loving and missing them as also charged this completely other conversation with myself about what having a family of my own means to me…questioning whether or not I see or want to be a mom, wife…’nuclear family’ person. Those are big questions {and decisions} for a different day…I just know I miss them more than I can truly articulate.

Decisions have been the current for these past few weeks and I’m all in. I’m all in to making decisions based on what I know is best for me–my goals–my peace–my sanity.

My anxiety has been on a new level and it’s because while I’ve been on the phone asking advice; it’s the first time in my life that at the end of the day, I truly have to LIVE in whatever decision I make. Just me.

I can ask as many people as I want about the CA commuting and neighborhoods, safety and social aspects, roommate vibes or solo living– I can ask and ask and ask and ask– and people are happy to talk it out…and yet ultimately…It’s up to me to decide what’s best for me. How liberating and terrifying at the same damn time. #ohvey

All of the complexities of identity discoveries, work environment vibes, personal preferences– all of these ‘things’ end up defining us and truly shaping how we interact with the world and with ourselves. In all the anxiety I am feeling; I’m most excited for the courage I’m gaining in being authentically me…snot bubbles and all.

hydration.nutrition.fit.sound.

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