Went to my first Ohio State Fair today. Ate a pepperoni roll and deep fried oreos. As soon as I was finished, I knew….I’m ready now.
Most of you know that I pride myself on authenticity. I’ve shared some of the most challenging experiences of my life thus far through blogs and then partly through journal-ing that I do for myself- when I can’t get from between my own two ears.
Today I woke up exhausted. Not sleepy exhausted but like, I’m carrying too much exhausted. Carrying too much weight, too much stress, too much strain, too much emotional pain— I’m carrying too much. I’m losing things that are important to me because my brain is constantly on over drive. I’m either on a mission to fix something, lose weight, find a career, meet the love of my life, or find financial relief. I’m trying a new meal plan, reading a new book, starting a new workout regiment, only drinking smoothies, swearing off of fast food for life– something extreme. That’s all I know. I know how to dive in and then jump TF out.
I don’t finish. I quit. I get close– I feel the progress. I quit.
Do you know how many books I have on my shelves that I’ve started? 30 pages or so in and I decide that I need to focus on a different topic.
Do you know how many “Mondays” or “1st” that have come and gone– started with a commitment to clean eating and ending with a Pizookie from BJ’s?
Do you know how many times I’ve had roommates for the sake of saving/paying off debts and end those roommate relationships with more debts than I started with?
I signed up to pay an excruciating amount of money for braces…invisalign/..that I barely wear!
I’m wearing myself out. I’m worn out.
I was watching the news this morning, heard about a high school student who was murdered in the back of a grocery store. I’m watching people die every day because life is not promised.
I’m eating and starting and quitting and complaining and sleeping and waiting for something to make sense. This entire time, I’ve been praying big, giant, scary, bold prayers and waiting on God– only to realize…
…He’s been waiting on me….
All I know is quitting. Giving up. Wearing thin.
I jump out- and start something new….
I want to finish.
I’m ready now.