I write to you from Phoenix, AZ- where I’ve spent the past few days among-st some of my favorite colleagues being challenged to truly define leadership in the context of our work. In these spaces, I truly grow from people who remind me of my why. I get to places like this. A place I once had listed on a goal list– with a specific weight goal or life goal tied to this experience and I don’t really have anything to say.
Except I have a lot to say.
The charge is on me. This 360 day funk is on me. I’ve been spreading the blame around the concept of soul searching but in being at this conference….a year later…I’m being faced with the same reality I was facing in 2015. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO. I know exactly who God has called me to be. There isn’t any searching involved. The place of continuous discomfort is coming from my continuous choice of fear.
It’s easiest to go through the motions. To gain weight because snacking is easier than dealing. To stay in a relationship that’s luke warm because warm is better than ice cold. To stay in city/job that’s comfortable because leaving your comfort zone surfaces all other types of insecurities. I’ve spent the past 7 days on the west coast- un able to communicate with folks at home as quickly as I’m use to strictly due to time zone differences. In my discomforts- I’ve been forced to work through some things on my own off the good will of I didn’t have the immediacy of anyone else except me.
I feel like I shot myself with a stun gun. I feel like 360 days ago, I was all ” I got this!’ and ” I’m so proud of myself” and “I can’t believe how far I’ve come”; I think I looked in the mirror and saw someone I was starting to fall in love with– got scared, and back tracked on a new level. I’ve backed myself into a corner. A place that if you aren’t conscious of your own actions…I guess I’m saying I totally understand why people totally lose their shit. Fear is disabling. Fear will keep you inside. It will keep you in your comfort zone. In your safe career path, and with your PERCEPTIVELY safe life.
With all the deaths–public deaths that have been surfacing over the past few months, it’s evident that safety is a word we made up. Job security doesn’t exist. Living exist– until it doesn’t. I want to live. I I want to go after HUGE impossible dreams and pursue a life of excellence. I want to stop setting goals and start tapping into who it is I truly want to be. It’s not that I want to achieve a specific goal weight, or career or spouse– It’s about what i want to feel!
I want to feel radiant— glowing in my passion for life. Honest with the rawness of its’ difficulties. Constructive of what is contributing to my glow and what’s stealing my shine. I want to feel energized. Rested and whole. This radiance isn’t tied to the shine my makeup provides– this shine is related to the one that everyone else so evidently sees as God’s gift. I am radiant soul who’s been smothering myself with the impossible mission of not being me.
What to say? What to do? It’s so freeing to be free of goal setting. It’s freeing to know that I am leaving Phoenix tomorrow with no idea what’s ahead of me and yet knowing that I have every opportunity to start choosing radiance now. Just a few days ago I called my best friend while working out in the gym and said, “I’m done.”
I’m done conforming. I’m done fighting myself- and most importantly, I’m done telling people I’m trying to figure out what it is I want to do. I know what I want to do. I know what I want to say…
God has charged me with bringing dark souls to radiance. To helping those (like myself) who can dwell on fear to take the opportunity to settle into the concept of no guarantees as a blessing–not something to fear. The only guarantee I hope to I pray is real is that the spirit of God/Allah/Buddah/Higher Being is real– and that there isn’t any judgement for my continuous wavering.
I’m looking forward to challenging my thoughts. My actions- and making a critical effort to surround myself with people who see the spiritual eye into my life. I look forward to living a life where my legacy is one of bringing a beaming peaceful light to the dark places of my own life and the lives of others.
God. What a week.#grateful