Pastor Greg talked about this today in church. That tough space where God pushes you from full surrender to walking in faith. Greg preached today about how sometimes, when coming into a relationship with Christ, we can’t or don’t want to understand the bottom falling out that comes with it.
It hit home. Perceptively, the bottom has been falling out from under me. I’ve been saying Yes to what feels like spiritual guidance, and with every yes, comes a new challenge. I said yes to living on my own again, and now I manage the re-occurring challenge of the thoughts between my ears, uninterrupted. I said Yes to an 18 month lease, and then about 2 weeks later I said Yes to walking away from my job.
In what world does that make sense? Why would God lead me to this comfy cozy home with rent and bills that I need to pay on my own, while simultaneously directing me towards a career change? Really, God? I said Yes, and now I wait.
I said Yes to re-joining weight watchers, a tool that was very helpful for me during my first attempt ever at gaining some health consciousness. I joined during Christmas time. and I have successfully GAINED 10 more lbs. WHY bother joining, Lord! Why say Yes to another expense to only continue to spiral out and binge eat.
I said Yes to re-joining my gym and working out with my trainer and gym friends again. Now I’m trying to figure out where that money is coming from? I said Yes.
I’m sitting in church today a little angry at first. Mainly because I wasn’t initially connected to the message. My psychy was all off and I couldn’t be present. I was in my own head, going through the “I go to church” motions, and sitting there in a chair thinking WTF God. What is with all of these painful, irrational, financially risky, emotionally draining, spiritually exhausting YESes!
I surrendered. I came to the cross. I came to the light. I entrenched myself with spiritual presence. I committed to living out God’s will. The universe’s design for my life. I said yes. And after I said yes, everything seemed to fall apart. Sound familiar?
In this space I’ve been in, I’ve been so vulnerably reaching for guidance. Seeking out my life mentors, family, friends, church family, God. Everything. Anything to help make sense of my current chaos.
The one consistent response was this. Life is hard. Anyone who truly wanted anything out their life, got it at high price. They went through some shit. They picked themselves up. They went through some more shit. They picked themselves back up. They lost everything. They cried, and picked themselves up. They did not allow the questions of the world. Of the humane. Of the earthly logic, to keep them in consistent state of self-pity.
God called me to church this morning so that I could be reminded that he’s called me to be a sheep in a world of wolves. He’s called me to believe in him and his plan for my life despite what I see in front of me. He’s placed me specifically in this funk so that He can show me who I am. So he can teach me to fight for Him, not for this world, but for Him.
I’m gaining a little grit. I can’t lost 60lbs without learning and appreciate the stories of those who also battle weight and skeptical relationships with food. I wouldn’t have the same appreciation for my health goals without watching the scale increase and decrease based on the levels of stress in my life. Or without sharing my experiences at the gym who too have their own internal battles. I wouldn’t know the value of finding a new non-food outlet if I didn’t take the financial risk of re-joining my gym and working out again.
God hasn’t called me to be a one hit wonder. He’s called me to be a person the sheds light on his journey with me, not my destination. I keep waiting for the end. Not the end of my life, but the end of my struggle. In church today, I sadly and gratefully learned that the struggle is a part of coming to Christ. It’s a part of the testimony. It’s part of being willing to be vulnerable enough with your own life, to save someone elses.
I am okay. I am a sheep in a crowd of wolves. I am struggling, and yet I cannot wait to see how God continues to use me, shape me, create me, and restore me. Break me down to refuel me. Bend me so that I can see life outside of my current tunnel vision.
So I’ll continue to say Yes. and I’ll continue to go to Church. and I’ll continue to go Weight Watchers. and I’ll continue to go to group trainings. and I’ll continue to pray over my finances, my job search, and my self discovery. I will continue believing in the unbelievable, and most importantly, I will continue to pick myself back up.
just keep swimming….<3