I’ve been bitter lately. Super frustrated with where my life stands. This crossroad of no longer being a kid, and yet, feeling fully incapable of supporting myself. Different types of debts in different corners. Financial, emotional, personal; simply stated: heavy ass debts, staring me in the face.
I started blaming people for my current state of emotional outburst. How dare my students challenge me?? How dare my parents press me on the decisions I was so confidently going to them with? How dare my supervisor hold me accountable to my job! Can’t he see how unhappy I am, can I catch a break please. Somebody put me in timeout. I’m begging you.
I could go for some hard core, childlike earned timeout right now to just collect myself. The only problem with that is that at 27, timeout equate to long term impact.
1. Quit your job. You’re not happy? Quit. start over. But while you’re considering how you’ll start over, keep all of your bill payments on time (without a steady income!) and live your dreams out loud. Great Plan.
2. Disappear. Buy a plane ticket and go away and just forget that you have any responsibilites. Start over. Get all the time out time you need. Just don’t ever come back to visit your family. You’ll likely go to jail or be featured on Most Wanted for some obscene reason.
3. Stick it out. Find a temporary out. That isn’t food, Cierra. The binge eating is just not the out I was going for here 🙂
4. I just don’t know. I guess this is why and where I have to tap into that annoying concept called Faith.
I’ve visited all 4 of these options. And coming off a wing stop binge and a Trader Joe’s blonde brownie fix, option 3 is feeling less like an option.
I’m carrying entirely too many stimuli right now to strike up the push through mentality and not become the next 500lb woman who doesn’t leave her house. That’s what I am on my way too if something doesn’t change.
I come home from work and I am so emotionally indebted to my own mental space, that I eat, and eat, and eat (because no one’s watching) and I fill myself until I’m completely miserable. As I pay attention to my own patterns I recognize that I’ve been choosing food as an out. Not as a source of nourishment. Not as a space for me to physcially re-energize, but rather as a tool for physical numbness– to match the “stuffed” feeling between my two ears. Mentally functioning at beyond capacity, so I self-impose the same feeling on myself through the misuse of food.
I say all of this to say (and remind myself) that we all have something. We all have that easy to go to vice that can kill us if we allow it. I’ve been enjoying my vice and blaming everyone else for my curent state of
“I give no fucks that I wear leggings to work everyday, none of my pants fit, hm! take that!”
I’ve been waiting on someone. something. anything to save me.
When I look to option 4…I’m reminded that, “Dear Cierra, my sweet Cierra, will you let me work? Will you finally allow me to show you who, what, how, and why you’ve been strugging so much? Sweet Cierra. Will you finally allow me to show you, just how special you truly are? Will you let go…and let Me lead?
I have been living in a walking, talking self-pity party. Putting on a fake smile. Snapping at people unnecessarily. Eating everything in sight. Occupying all of my idle time with mind numbing television (with a hearty does of food and reassurance that a gallon of ice cream would DEF help me find my life purpose).
I have been blaming. Only to land right here. Knowing that whatever I decide begins and ends with me. With my choice. With my decisiveness of which life I want to live. A very special person reminded me today that when I have my ashes spread and God brings me off of this temporary earthly mission, will I celebrate a life full of doing what was safe? or will I celebrate with Christ that I chose to walk in Faith. That I chose to live the life He designed especially for me. That chose to go against everything that made sense, and placed a bet on myself and God.
When you find yourself in this space. That early adult space of WTF. I encourage you to do whatever it is you need to do to begin with yourself and end with yourself. Chose Grace and Truth. Chose love and hope. Chose faith and leave fear in the wind.
If I’m working at Trader Joe’s or some other highly unexpected parttime gig in the next few weeks you’ll know that I’m out here walking in faith. And if you don’t. Know that I’m searching for other outs aside from food. Know that I am fighting with everything in me to be the person I know’s been living deep down inside of me. Keep praying for me the way I pray for all of you.