I loathe thee. I’m 11 days in and have already experienced at least 4 mental meltdowns. I have questioned all of my goals, hit the newest highest weight ever, been fined for $500 dollars of apartment move-out bullshit, loss the ability to close my coat, collected 58 unanswered or listened to voicemail, a midst other things that aren’t quite coming to me as quickly at my work keyboard…at 8:41 pm. I just face-timed my parents who have so graciously babysat my dog for the past two weeks while I pull my shit together. Again.
Oh 2016. New Year Resolution. Ode to new beginnings. Thanks for killing my buzz. Thanks for the reminder that at 4 years of full-time employment, I am still riding the struggle bus. Hardcore. Odd numbers are my favorite– yielding 27 as the year that has to trump 26. I can’t take another growing pains’ year.
I can’t take another pound on my body. Physically nor emotionally. I have reached out to all of my “board of directors”; I have sent out an SOS– I am crashing. Quickly.
2016. We’re 11 days in. 11. I’m sitting here. Looking for my positive spin. That’s been my traditional writing style–the turn around? the new leaf moment? the “yes I can” drive.
I’m writing today out of pure vulnerability. Out of just finishing listening to Brene Brown encouraging me to Dare Greatly. In this moment, my daring has so much to do with owning where I am. Owning my brokenness. Owning my drive to figure it out. Owning my sadness. My exhaustion. My hope, to get on the other side of tears.
Daring Greatly for me right now? Feels like a surrender.
I surrender to just being broken,and allowing the silence to be my peace.
It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. It’s okay to want and expect more of yourself. It’s okay to cry.
Most importantly, it’s okay to just be. And humbly and patiently and tearfully, pray, that this small piece of the journey, will be the piece I look at one day as a turning point.
I have sticky notes on my desk- I write them randomly when I have some down time and spirit is searching for some peace…. and this one just fell off my desk…
“You will see Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”-Jeremiah 29:13