I took a big step today. I walked my butt back into my church– One Church Columbus. Over the course of the past two months I’ve had a series of excuses as to why I haven’t been there.
I was tired, ” Not feeling God this week”, hungover, didn’t want to break up my date with Netflix, I moved, the drive is too much, etc. Real reason? I was scared.
Scared that I would feel condemned the moment I walked in the door. Not by the people, but by my self. I’d walk in and be reminded how far I had come and now, how far I’d fallen. When I first starting going to One Church I was in a groove. I was broken, but on a mission of being “fixed”. I was on top of my physical health, I was meeting with my therapist regularly, and I found a church family right in the midst of my spiritual search. Everything was clicking. I was discovering who I was for the first time in my life and it was sticking. I was committed. No turning back.
November rolls around and I’m looking at scale I want to launch out the window, a Bible I haven’t touched in weeks, Facebook post that re-enforce my struggle…November rolls around and I feel like a lost puppy who dumped herself in a trash can. What happened? When did I start looking to religion, my faith, my church family, my spirituality as a crutch, as something I’d use when I needed it–as oppose to the SOURCE of my stability. In service this morning, my pastor Greg Ford was speaking directly to me. God used him today to help me hear Him loud and clear.
Spirituality is not an effort to perfect my imperfections; my faith journey is a reminder that I am broken and I can only be filled, not fixed, through the love of Jesus Christ. I am going to sin. I’m walking SIN for crying out loud. We all are. We are born into a world that God didn’t intend to be the way it is. He wanted us all prancing around here butt booty naked enjoying the fruits of his days of labor. We failed him. I fail Him every single day. And he still loves me? He still chooses me? Hmm….
Jesus. You ever thought about that? I know I wouldn’t willingly choose to be in a relationship with someone who fails me consistently. If you go with logic, it’s not logical, if you reference this post I spend a lot of time talking about my value for logic. Our God isn’t logical. He’s not humanly logical, because if he was, I wouldn’t be here.
I’ve been in far too many car accidents for there not to be God that’s doing work in my life. I’ve had one too many failed suicide attempts for God to be logical. I’ve left one too many apartment doors unlocked while I walked Ruby for God to be MIA. I’ve had one too many fireball shots and slurred speech moments for logic to be what I’m banking on. I thought I had a crutch; I’m running on an I-V of God’s grace…
I use to think I was the shit. (See- sin, there it is, two for 1) I use to think that if I started dating God, that meant I had to stop being me. I had to figure out how to stop sinning so that I wouldn’t disappoint him. So he wouldn’t “break-up” with me and send me to hell.
I use to think that if I was choosing church. I had to give up my ratchet music that night before. That I had to stop talking to certain people, that I had to be all or nothing. I’m not a part timer, so if I’m going to church, I will not be hanging out with my friends who live in sin. Nope not me, I’m saved now. Deuces sinners. #fail It took being broken (again) to recognize that I’ve been setting this unrealistic goal of being the perfect Christian.
In great health, a clean curse free mouth, a stable financial balance, and doting boyfriend who would evolve into this charming husband and father. If I became the perfect Christian, God would bless me with the perfect Christian life. i would be sin free!!
Ha. I can’t believe I’m about to
say type this. I love my brokenness.
I love that my life seemingly fell apart as quickly as I thought I was pulling it together.
I love that I’m back to reading about best health practices, and searching for a gym, and re-evaluating my career interest. I love that my dating experiences challenge me to be critical of who I want to go through life with. I’m glad my hearts been broken by the “perfect christian”. I’m excited to embrace the world with my broken friends. my church family. my immediate family.
I look forward to the earth shattering moments of lost reality. It’s in those milliseconds of lost logic that I know that I am made for more than logic.
Broken. I sit here and welcome God’s grace. Broken. I welcome God’s challenges for me to leave this world inspired by the girl who chose life.
God’s carried me through some lows. He’s shown me others who lows make my challenges look like a dairy queen blizzard. (yum!)
I have no freaking clue how I’ll feel tomorrow. But this Sunday, man, what a Sabbath. What a day to be reminded that my brokenness, my failures, my lows, my battles, my breakdowns, my silence….
You are unique, you are needed, you have a purpose…
Use others perceptions to help strengthen who you are…be the author of your life, knowing that you have the greatest editor of all time, Cie. His name is Jesus Christ, and he’s got you boo.