I was re-looking through some of the goals I set for myself for this academic year; one of which was to blog at least once a week. #fail
I have all these dreams stuffed up in my pleasant little brain. I journal regularly, and I’m a consumer of technological media and resources. This blogging space, however, is where I feel like I get the most clarity in where I’m currently at in between my own ears. It’s like my free write that I chose to share with whomever wants to read it. Lucky You! 😉
There’s not a time in my life that I haven’t been analytical. I’ve always asked lots of questions and I have always been on a search for absolutes. I’m logical. Yes, I’m a lover of life and dreams (bring me my Disney castle on silver platter, please!) , yet I ultimately trust logic and reasoning. While I’ll commonly find myself leaning on my intuition, logic seems to win out.
I use to think I was crazy.
Sometimes I still think I am. Legitimately. I woke up several mornings throughout middle and high school and I’d tell my parents that I thought I was bipolar, delusional, and would be best served rocking in corner in one of those cool white coats. I’d get real quiet and just listen to the murmuring of thoughts running through my head. Anything from how tired I felt, to who I had a crush on, to how I annoyed I was with the person that might have been speaking to me. I’d quiet my mouth to hear my mind and there were some severely alarming things going on up there!
To make it stop, I’d have to say to myself out loud- “Cierra stop! Just stop!”
I literally had to vocally stop the internal brow beating I was giving myself. All the negative energy that was staying in constant circulation rotating within my frontal lobe.
I say that to say….This morning I went the to the gym, a new gym, for the first time since early October. I was on the StairMaster, and even with my ratchet playlist going hard, I could still hear my self:
Inner thought stream:
“How did you get back to this starting point again? Did you see the scale yesterday? *looking at myself in the mirror* Jesus, Cierra, where did that massive pimple come from!? You ate like a pig last night. These yoga pants were not this tight 3 weeks ago. I’m exhausted. I miss lifetime. I miss Brian. I miss consistency. Ugh. I have to shower soon so I’m not late for work. You’re always late for work. My knee hurts. I am NOT feeling this today…”
I get it now. My personal go to is self-defeating. I have such much minimal faith in myself, that my first instinct is negative. When it comes to other people, however, all I see is good. I see potential and grace. I see love and nurturing. I see patience and kindness.
Helllllooooo, child. Have some of those things form yo DAMN SELF!
I own my challenges with self-esteem. I own them as a piece of my call to life. I own this space of self-discovery, and I own my love of blogging.
So I’ll blog. Yes, I’ll continue to blog, and hopefully, you’ll continue to read, and watch this caterpillar transform right before your eyes. Bring it on butterfly.