I’ve been in a pickle. I’ve been talking with one of my long term friends about how we both feel like we’re always running away from something. Running from our hometowns, job discomfort, weight/relationship with food, romantic relationships,
*fill in the blank with anything seemingly difficult*. We run. I run.
Or do I? Is it just a matter of me not truly knowing what I want? Or why I want it? I spent a lot of time listening to Tony Robbins and different motivational speakers’ podcast. I listen and I feel so empowered to become the woman that I know lives deep down inside of me. When the CD ends…when the podcast wraps up, when I hang up the phone with my very best friend who’s been reminding me that it doesn’t matter how strong, powerful, and life changing he sees me– I have to see it and want it– and be CONFIDENT in it, for myself. When it ends. I sit there thinking, man, what the royal hell do I want and what am I waiting for?
Then I question–actually- I realize, maybe it’s not so much about knowing what I want–it’s more about the fear of never achieving. The fear of failure. I fear that all visions I so gracefully create, aren’t my reality. I say I’m not a quitter, but I’ve been quitting. Okay, my therapist says I have to be nice to myself so not quitting, but complacently complaining while accepting my life for where it is right now.
When I close my eyes and dream…when I see myself in my purest form; I am such a pleasant person! I have this radiant smile, this healthy approach to life that includes a balanced relationship with food, a wholesome and healthy figure for my 5’2” (on a good day) frame. I’m not chasing numbers on scale.
When I close my eyes and dream… I see my prince. My king. my life companion. A man who puts his spirituality first, even where it may differ from mine. He pushes me to be the best version of me, and I, him. We are each other’s equal. With our interest and own life pursuit, yet as a team. We both bring different strengths, and collectively, we leave this world a better place. We serve. The needs of the community, the needs of those dying to life’s difficulties. We, together, remind the people, that life isn’t about the struggle; it’s about what and how the struggle shapes your life. My life partner, who sees my flaws, and helps me recognize that I’m only as broken as I keep telling myself I am– who recognizes that going through life together is a choice and he chooses me, despite his fear of repeated heart break, and I lovingly choose him. unconditionally.
When I close my eyes and dream… I see a beach, a life near water and outdoor exploration. A life where I am physically, spiritually, and emotionally challenged everyday by the inspiring people I work and surround myself with. I envision a life centered on holistic health, a shared practice surrounded by colleagues who see life as the opportunity that it is.
When I close my eyes and dream… I see the city. The rawness of the bare essentials of life. I see myself finally understanding the quality and truth behind working to earn something. The value in sticking it out when it’s hard. For letting go of materialism on the back of self discovery and finding me. Pleasant me. In a city I love, with a man i love, with a dog, I ADORE. With friends and family who appreciate my eclectic, retro, artsy side. My poetic ambition and my natural drive, for life.
When I close my eyes and dream… I know what I want. I know the confidence lives within. I see faith, as the only necessity I’ve been back-burning to logic. Life isn’t logical. It’s beautiful. It’s a gift. A gift that requires the confidence— faith and confidence– to be the organic oasis God created it to be. Life wasn’t designed to be pained free
(Adam and Eve broke that deal! ) We all have a purpose. All of our pain, has purpose. We all have a dream….and we when we close our eyes, in true silence. That dream is evident.
Do you have the confidence? Do I have the confidence to leave logic, to leave materialism, to leave my comfort zone, to leave false security, and walk into my life.