In lieu of being extremely dramatic (which we all know comes second nature for me 🙂 ), I need to take a second to reflect on the last 3 months of my life.
I walked into May feeling completely alive. My knee was feeling 10 times better, I was finally owning my feelings in a variety of areas in my life
*cough men *cough relationships* cough ; I had stopped attending church as regularly but still felt a resounding connection to my spiritual provider. I traveled to Costa Rica and wrote this profound post about the value of finding myself in the jungle (see previous entries!) I was down to my lowest weight since college (heyy 162lbs); I came back to work, prepped for a national conference I was getting ready to present at in my old Disney stomping grounds, and thanked the lucky stars that life was actually going my way. My sister and my new baby nephew were walking into my life and I truly felt like God had granted my every prayer request.
June rolls around and some new realities settle in…
1. My roommate and I stopped speaking- partially due to my stubbornness and mainly due to my not being comfortable with addressing differences.
2. My job seemed to be suddenly overwhelming me. I wasn’t being productive in a workday; I’d come home and cry/shut down/throw an all inclusive pity party (open bar status- all drinks on me
3. I was driving, stopped in the middle of an intersection with a car speeding towards the driver side of me, and I didn’t budge. Not even the slightest feeling of being alarmed. Hm.
4. My grandmother passed. Monday morning. AFTER I didn’t call her for our regularly scheduled Sunday date nights. The very last time I could’ve possibly talked to her. I was battling with myself to keep my head above water. I was complaining about me and she was dying. I didn’t call.
I completely lost my mind. Lost it. If they could make straight-jackets for the workplace I probably needed one that day…Monday June 15th when I was reminded yet again that the promise of “all the time in the world” is a false promise. When I looked at one of colleagues and said, ” Where is this “God”, now?”
My seemingly sense-FULL life had become senseless. I’ve been through difficult times. I’ve met with therapist and worked through transitional challenges. Never in my life had I ever felt totally numb. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I ate. and ate. and ate. I didn’t move. I couch surfed and ate. I cried. I ate.
I hated God for pulling the rug from up under my almost perfect life. How could he? After I worked so hard to become of sound mind body and spirit. After I worked so hard to be a faithful servant. After I worked SO hard to make my health my priority– all fascists of it–how could he literally break me in half.
I’ve spent the last 6 weeks pulling my life together. I visited my brother, I took vacation time, and I met some amazing fellow leaders at the NCAA Leadership Institute. I realized that no matter how profound one moment may feel– life will always throw something else at you that will shake your foundation.
I’ve realized that I’ve been building and building, and building. Without a foundation. I put some ply wood down, decided I wanted to be hot, and started building. I forgot to take the time and do my research. I forgot to spend some time thinking about my “why”. I forgot that it’s not about “I” or what “I’ve” done. It’s not about me.
My Why? I’m here to Save Lives. That and that alone is my life purpose. God created me to be the light in other’s people’s lives who may not be as comfortable putting their story on front street. God created me to be his creative voice of light on lives. He didn’t allow me to be taken out this world, even when I had opted out.
I share this to say that I have no idea when I’ll get to escape the valley again. The difference for me now though, is that I know the peaks exists- and that most importantly– I’m not moving quite as quickly– recognizing the value in establishing my foundation. My team. My support system.
I’m getting baptized this Sunday. First time since infantry with the love of my parents and Godparents surrounding me. I’m getting baptized this Sunday and it’s not happening the way I imagined. God didn’t come to me in a still small voice. There wasn’t one profound moment or one song that mended my heart. I’m getting baptized Sunday, August 2nd, because I finally recognized that I have a choice. I have choice to be welcomed by the Holy Spirit, just as am. As broken as I am, as sinful as I am. As selfish as I am. As insecure as I am. As impure and conniving (hard to believe right! 😉 )as I am. I have a choice.
I can chose to keep trying to be the light for others out here on my own, or…. I can chose to surrender my brokenness to growth. Welcome the pain- and become this beautiful spirit that save lives through the guidance of the spirit who daily saves mine. I’m not getting baptized to increase my goals of being perfect in Christ; I’m getting baptized as a reminder to myself and the world, that he loves me just as I am.