I’m currently sitting outside on the balcony of CEDCAS Health Clinic in San Jose, Costa Rica courtesy of a service project. I worked diligently for year, alongside my primary job responsibilities, to create and mimick an experience I was apart of as a staff member at Vanderbilt University traveling to Tanzania. In my VU experience, I quickly learned that our student-athletes thirst for ways to engage with other student-athletes. They thirst for opportunities to learn and grow from people and circumstances that are so different from their day to day. University life. college life. My opinion? Centered on growth. We all grow when we are uncomfortable…
In the midst of watching these students grow- I see my own child-like spirit. My own growth. My own desire to change or influence the lives of others. To truly see and experience the world for what God created it to be. I’m struggling. My spirit is so connected to creativity and serving others. And yet, at times, I can be the most selfish person I know. My spirit is so drawn to loving on others, and exposing the vulnerability that lives within each of us. And yet. I thirst for the honor and recognition that comes with being selfless. It’s like I have this drive for social justice and social change. For social reform and understand. For educational opportunities and continuous exploration. And at the same time, my insecurities keep me wanting the world to know that I’m behind the scenes. My fear of worldly irrelevance yields to words like “I” versus “we”.
Sitting out here on this balcony I feel so vulnerable to the world. I feel ass out naked, to what I’m called to do in life. I’ve been told that I’m one of those people that God has blessed with several gifts. Empathy, a full heart, softness, approachability, nurturing spirit, organizer, big belly laugher, body sounder (I.e. I never hear God, per say, but I feel him straight through the middle of my spine…) amoung other gifts- I feel so at war with myself. Pick one thing and be great? Or capitalize on all your gifts and keep waiting patiently while God leads your life at his pace… Not your own.
Guess I just answered myself.