Day 175: Forgiving Yourself.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. “- Lewis B. Smedes

I’m down 25 lbs. I can hardly believe it–literally one of the only ways I even notice or celebrate my success is through constantly pulling my pants up while trying to figure out why all of my shirts have lost their once snug and seemingly sexy form fitting shape.  Compliments come by the dozen and at 25 lbs down, people look at me and see the birth of a completely different person. In all the varieties of western medicine I’ve adopted in my life, (#shoutout to acupuncture and massage therapy) one signature truth of all my findings remains…your physical body is a reflection of your internal body. How you feel about yourself shows in your physical appearance. Be it weight, drug and alcohol abuse, sex addictions, fill in the blank– your physical body represents you.

My weight has been a shield for me. I’ve been able to flash a pretty smile and a belly boisterous laugh and keep people energized in life by always counting my blessings and being grateful for wherever I happen to be. As this weight peels away I find it difficult to celebrate because for every pound I lose- I feel that much more exposed.

I tried a new church today, One Church- a high energy, young adult ministry that features a coffee bar prior to the sermon and a casual but appropriate dress code. Head’s up that I’ve grown up in a Presbyterian church so while I highlight my faith through spirituality- I definitely have some of those religious “isms” that I was trying to silence in my head long enough to hear the actual message…God clocked me upside the head and gave me the greatest gift I’ve received in a while. A Reality Check.

This journey I’m on is more than weight, is more than healthy food choices, and healthy ways of life. This journey I’ve been continuously tracking-counting-measuring—this journey has absolutely NOTHING to do with weight. My journey is all about forgiveness.

Forgive Yourself. The pastor said that today and I distinct fully remember thinking, “It’s not me that’s the problem! It’s not me that needs forgiving! It’s this world that needs forgiving!” As I asked myself to stop judging and to listen, I finally got to hear what I haven’t been allowing myself to actively hear…

Forgive Yourself, Cierra.

“What are you holding on to? What do you need to forgive yourself for?”

25lbs down. Hello to the 25 years of shit I’ve buried just to cope. No more coping…I’m ready to find my freedom…time to forgive.

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